If we are living right, we will make many big changes during our lifetime.
I don’t mean the growing and changing of the human body. That’s going on all the time. You’d think we’d be good at making changes! The natural world around us is constantly changing. Our bodies change. In fact our bodies constantly make new cells, almost hourly.
Yet there seems to be a deep resistance in many people when it comes to making a change in our lives. Even when we are miserable with the current circumstances.
Why?
There are hundreds of articles out there you can read on this topic.
I’m going to condense this for you.
Why is it hard? Because basically you have created a life based on your understanding of what you are capable of. You have ricocheted through life, learning limiting beliefs along the way, that you have accepted as truth. No matter how old you were when you learned it. Two, Five or Twenty Three years old. You learned and put a pin in it. You abide by this until you are SO uncomfortable you finally seek out a way to fix it.
As adults we have a long list of justifications as to why we have to be here, in this place in our life. We have explanations for why we can’t change it. It’s bullshit. It’s mindgames. It’s the amygdala trying to keep us in our cave, safe from Saber Tooth tigers waiting in every bush.
How do we outsmart our own BRAIN??? How is it even possible???
We go around it.
When you are finally miserable enough to decide to make a change, no matter how much BS the mind is putting in your way, here’s what you can do:
Step One) Get super honest with yourself.
Take responsibility for your part of where you are. You picked this partner. You took this job. You eat the way you eat. ( or drink, or however you stuff your feelings…) Hey, you made the best choice you could at the time but it was YOUR CHOICE. (No one has a gun to your head forcing the cookie into your mouth. It might feel that way however.) Now you are making a new and better choice! It’s how life works.
- Notice what the mind says. Write it down. “It’s not my fault! This happened because_______. I only eat when I have earned it!”
Step Two) Forgive.
This will take some layers of work but get started now. Forgive yourself.
You made the best choice you could at the time.
Forgive others. Let it go. This doesn’t mean we absolve them of their behavior. This means we let go of the need to punish. We let go of the need for everyone else to see what a martyr you are. We let go of showing the world how we are suffering because of what they did. We let go of suffering. Period.
- Notice what the mind says. Write it down. “They were so horrible to me! They lied! They cheated! They took my money…AGAIN!”
Step Three) Let go of suffering.
We make the promise to ourselves, to our trusted advisors and our higher power to stop feeling sorry for ourselves and to embrace a happy life. Start NOW.
- Notice what the mind says. Write it down. “I can’t tell anyone else I’m doing this because what if I fuck up? What happy life? Life is SUFFERING! “This was me. Oh brother. Victim much?
Step Four) Know the mind will fuck with you.
It will come up with amazing excuses why you should just go ahead and call the abusive boyfriend back, eat that cookie when you SO want to lose weight, or stay in the soul sucking job.
It will. Expect it. Be ready for it.
- Notice what the mind says. Write it down. “He didn’t mean it. She is always sorry afterwards. The make up sex is amazing. It’s only one cookie. I’ll never find someone who will love me. I’ll never find someone I will love as much. I’m lucky to have a job at all.” OMG the mind will come up with amazing stealth ways to derail you and keep you in that fucking cave.
Step Five) Prepare for the Mind Fuck.
When our traitorous mind starts up with the oh-so-believable excuses to keep us in our old stagnant behaviors, have some go-to responses ready in your Bat-Utility-Belt.
~STOP. Be Curious. Before you cave and retreat into the cave, isolate the thought. “I want the cookie”
See the behavior for what it is, Fear. “If I don’t get the cookie, I’ll have to feel the feeling that is coming up ( I’m not worthy. I’m lonely. I’m afraid. I didn’t make this day meaningful in terms of success).”
~Break out the Fear breaking Mantras. **
~ Make a new choice and make it quick! ( Have tea instead of a cookie. Just MOVE. Get UP! Put the kettle on! Start a new happy habit.) Don’t let the Fear take hold.
~ Make an offering of thanksgiving or connecting to your inner wisdom, higher self, god…whatever you connect with. Ask for help and you will get it!
Step Six) Take a compassionate look at what you saw when you looked at the deeper reason for the behavior.
Take 3 deep breaths. Relax your body. (Listen to music, or use one of my guided meditations) . Then ask to be shown what you need to know in connection with the old behavior and fear you are busting. How old were you when you first started feeling this fear? See yourself at this age. Give yourself what you needed, that you didn’t receive. No blame to our parents. They did the best they could at the time. We are just re-parenting now. Give yourself a hug. Say what you needed to hear. Whatever it is, do it now.
Bless your younger self, and let them know you are always there for them. See them happy and free and let them go.
- Notice what the mind says. Write it down. How old were you? What were the circumstances? How do you feel now?
**I know this sounds so woo woo, but it works. It’s an ancient technique. Used by Shamans and Therapists and Acting Teachers!
Step Seven) Seek Community that will support your success.
Not just ANY group of people. But the ones who will see you through to the pinnacle of success. For example: Don’t expect your drinking buddies to be able to support your sobriety. Get in a 12 Step program. Right?
They don’t have to be your besties. They are your ‘success community’. They are your ’trusted advisors’. They understand what you are doing, how emotional it is, and that you’ll need support along the way. Without judging, trying to fix, or doing it for you. I didn’t have any pals who could understand my commitment, no- my NEED, to be physically fit to the degree that gave me a self esteem boost. So I created a group of fellow gym rats and even found a distant friend who helped me with my diet. We all got closer because of common goals, but these people were not in my world until I sought them out to support my new lifestyle.
- Notice what the mind says. Write it down. Make a list of places where you can find folks. Meet ups, 12 Step groups, making a group out of the folks you know will inspire you…who are they?
We are supporting each other in my Facebook group Pat’s Epic Life Quest. https://www.facebook.com/groups/137448306942383/
YOU CAN DO IT!!! If I can do it, anyone can. I’m here for you.
**I have examples and other resources and tools in the Facebook Group P.A.T.s Epic Life Quest. If you are interested in personal growth, please join us there. Look in the ‘Files’ on the left of the Page for all kinds of helpful stuff, including a list of Faces Of Fear. You need to answer 3 questions to join so we know you are not a bot! They are questions any self respecting nerd will get instantly!
