How many times a day do you find yourself not doing something you know you could do to help things change for the better for yourself?
Do you ever wonder why? Why you can’t seem to find the motivation to choose differently when it comes to food. Or acting on that idea you have for the creative project. Or speaking up when you could get credit for the work you did. Or even just trying harder to finish what you started.
“It was a good idea, why don’t I ever get to the goal?”
Fear
Fear has as many faces as the Faceless Men. The Faceless Men are a guild of assassins in the books and HBO series Game Of Thrones.They command exorbitant fees, but have a reputation for success that is unparalleled by any comparable murderous organization.
What does a Face of Fear cost you?
Your dreams, that’s all.
Your healthiest self, joy, true love, a great occupation, fortune, adventure and more. It’s truly exorbitant.
How did fear evolve to be the the stealthiest assassin of dreams there is?
It started as soon as we did, evolving as our brain, the amygdala. This ancient part of our brain kept us alive by making us afraid of…well… everything. We either fought what we feared or we fled from it. The amygdala takes it’s cue from our earliest moments of awareness as infants, and any cellular memory we carry, to find things that cause us alarm, and amplify it until we run back into our caves.
And that’s no way to live life.
Awesome, Pat, now that I am thoroughly depressed, how do we counteract fear?
It’s simple. Don’t listen to it.
Wait…wha?
Really! Notice it. Use it. Just don’t do what it says. See what it’s covering up.
Notice when you get activated, anxious, or stressed. Notice when you see one of these faces of fear. Notice when you are stuck, or stalled or unmotivated. Check in with yourself and see what it is pointing to.
I visualize my fear as a dragon. Sometimes it’s tiny like newly hatched Norbert in Harry Potter And The Sorcerer’s Stone. That’s usually when I’m stuck or ‘bored’. And somehow also anxious.
Or It’s fucking huge, like Drogon– the biggest, blackest dragon in Game of Thrones. That’s something around crushing failure and self worth.
I really try to catch it while it’s small, before it becomes Drogon, because he’s completely unreasonable.
I can calm Norbert. He’s easier to soothe and talk to. We can work together to look at what’s causing the source of stress. Then I can sooth him, and get to work.
It can look like this:
I am sitting at my desk and I get an email from my accountant. I feel a tightening in my sternum, and my breathing gets shallow. I am reluctant to open the email and start cleaning my desktop. Avoidance and Procrastination plus a little Busyness, all faces of fear. I take a deep breath, which is hard due to the anxiety, and slow my breathing down. Closing my eyes I get really really honest about what’s going on. I know I am worried about the taxes, and how I’m going to pay them. I am afraid to know the real number. I don’t even want to talk to my accountant.
In my minds eye, I see Norbert is sitting on my shoulder. I thank him for helping me know that I am in fear mode, and to see the various disguises of the assassins of peace in my head.
I say a Fear Busting Mantra* to help me breathe, and when I feel a little more space in my chest I also say an Affirmation*.
Then I have some space to let in peace and my Higher Power which is loaded with creativity and solutions. This helps me to recall that even if it’s a big number, there is a way to pay off the IRS in installments. They want their money and will happily let me pay it off, with interest. I can do this if I need to. I know that we have a few steps to go before we know the final number, so it’s not even in this email I’m so worried about. I also know how relieved I will feel to have all this behind me. Norbert curls up and goes to sleep.
It’s not complicated to do. But sometimes, it ain’t easy.
If it’s a big fucking gigantic fear, or a lot of things piled on all at once, Drogon appears, puts one of his massive claws on my chest, and screams. I’m deaf, singed, and my hair is full of dragon boogers. Plus I cannot breathe… at all. My chest hurts so much I become convinced I’m having a full on heart attack.
Drogon just screams so it’s impossible to hear what is going on in my mind. I have to calm him down to shrink him. And that’s a different skill set.
First, stop the spinning in panic, the obsessive thoughts or story massaging. I start to deepen my breathing as much as possible, through the pain. I say fear busting mantras. It can take some time. I thank Drogon for showing me that the assassins are upon me ( duh, but kindness counts).
I rage. If I cannot run, and often I can’t, I FIGHT. I want to kill it.
Handy Hint: DO NOT TEXT in this state. Write but do not send the email. That isn’t doing to help. Lawsuits are expensive.
So
I cry. A lot sometimes. LET IT OUT. It can only harm you if you stuff it. There’s hormones that are released when you cry and we need that OUT of our bodies. It’s not weakness, it’s biology.
Usually this gets Drogon down to Season 3 in size. We still have work to do.
He can still roar up into Season 6 in no time, so I have to breathe and cry and write or talk with a trusted advisor.
Here’s the calming routine:
- Acknowledge how I feel. Let it out.
- Breathe deeply for several breaths.
- Stay in the present. Don’t borrow trouble.
- Stop the spinning with Fear Busting Mantras
- Once calm enough, say Affirmations I can believe. I just need to feel a bit better right now. Bit by bit.
- Do a guided meditation. I want to connect with my Higher Power and make space for peace.
- Find what I CAN be grateful for. You can read on Steps to Find Thankfulness Even When Things Are Shit here.
- Take positive action. Find a small action step I can take to move in the direction I need to.
AND Avoid negativity and negative people. Careful what you watch on TV. In this state I’m sensitive and need to build my strength.
Once I am calmer, I can look at the truth of what is behind that Face of Fear. I can use the fear to find what’s holding me back. There is the truth of the situation, what I am afraid of. I keep asking, what’s behind that face? Because Fear has so many Faces and it can wear layers.
Let’s say the taxes are due and I do not have enough in the bank. Listening to my body, I feel the tightening in the chest, the shallow breathing happening. What’s the fear? Lack. Scarcity. I am afraid of not having enough money. Again. Under that is a Face of Failure. Will I be able to take care of myself? Under that, Fear that I Am Not Enough. I won’t survive. Fear of Being Alone is under that one. Down to the Core Fear of Dying Alone and Penniless. 5 Faces in one panicky moment.
Once I fully unmask all the fears to find the Core Fear, I can take steps to heal it. It’s a Limiting Belief and it can be disarmed and recreated into what benefits me now, instead of holding my future hostage to a belief that no longer serves me. That’s another article.
This is work so worth doing! If Drogon is involved, then this can be a fear I need a lot of time to deal with. It can take me days. But with practice, and continued personal growth work, it happens less and less. Norbert will appear, but we can work together. As I heal my fears and look at their true faces, I can tell him to go bother someone else.
Fear is important. It shows us what needs healing in our lives such as old wounds or limiting beliefs. It takes maturity of spirit and will to not only look at our fears, but them move through them. This is being an adult, and it’s wonderful. How fantastic would it be to be able to see your fear and handle it effectively within seconds? To be able to have compassion with ourselves and others, but clarity of action and purpose?
What could you do with such powers and how would you use them for good?
I’ll be flying around on my dragon, enjoying the view! See you there!
- I have examples and other resources and tools in the Facebook Group P.A.T.s Epic Life Quest. If you are interested in personal growth, please join us there. Look in the ‘Files’ on the left of the Page for all kinds of helpful stuff, including a list of Faces Of Fear. You need to answer 3 questions to join so we know you are not a bot! They are questions any self respecting nerd will get instantly!
